My Summer Parenting Epiphany
The surprising parenting epiphany I discovered during a summer flower arranging workshop.
7 Minute Read
For those of you who follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you know that I ADORE growing and arranging flowers. I’m a total amateur at it, but it makes me so happy and actually has become quite meditative, as well as scratching a creative itch I hadn’t realized I had.
Earlier this summer I treated myself to a flower arranging workshop here on Salt Spring Island. For me, it was the most heavenly evening of the summer. To be on an actual flower farm, with the sun lazily setting over the nearby lake, fields FULL of every variety of flower I could imagine, a plethora of colours only a few steps away….absolute perfection.
At the workshop, we received some instruction and a demonstration on arranging the flowers in a smallish size vessel (I remember thinking the vase was much too small to create anything significant) and then got to work. Given a pail of water and some snips we were set loose in the fields, to cut and collect whatever we wanted. Back at our tables we started to create with the colourful abundance we had in front of us.
Now, if I’m being honest, when I had been arranging flowers at home from my smallish, very limited garden, my bouquets and arrangements were OK. Just OK. They were usually small and I would often struggle to get the composition or colours right. It might sound weird, but when trying to place the flowers, I’d often feel quite hesitant. Afraid I’d make a mistake. Afraid to fix a mistake after I’ve already put in so much effort. Afraid I’d add too many flowers…or not enough.
But there in that flower field, under the slanting golden light of a summer evening, I was in creative FLOW. A state of pure creativity and joy, mixed with curiosity and fearlessness. And friends? I think I made an absolutely lovely, large and luscious arrangement.
Wondering what in the hell this has to do with parenting?
I promise, we’re getting there. Because here’s what I learned from that big, colourful, free-flowing flower bouquet.
I was only able to create something beautiful and lush and full because I came at it from a place of abundance.
Like, I literally had multitudes of flowers to choose from - different varieties, different colours, different textures and sizes. I had ample time. I had an abundance of energy - I remember actually feeling quite giddy, like a child. No hesitations, no fear.
Operating from a place of abundance, instead of from a place of scarcity can be the difference between things turning out just OK, and things being resplendent, full, and easy. And it struck me that this is also SOOO true when it comes to parenting.
When we are stressed (often), when we have a lack of time (always), when our energy is low, we are parenting from a place of scarcity and at best things will be just OK, and at worst they will be TERRIBLE. But how can we ever parent from a place of abundance when our time is always limited…we’re so busy, with work, managing our homes, life keeps happening and shit keeps happening.
How can parenting ever be abundant?
By prioritizing how we care for ourselves. I’m talking more than just self-care in the sense of taking a luxurious vacation or buying yourself an expensive sweater or pair of boots.
I’m talking about the kind of care of the “self” that happens every day, several times a day and that you prioritize as much as you would your children and your partner’s needs.
You’ll never be given any extra time. So waiting for more time is a recipe in waiting forever. You must MAKE the time to take care of you. You must PRIORITIZE yourself so you’re not always on the bottom of the list. You must go through your day and ask yourself (every hour if that’s what it takes - honestly, set an alarm on your phone to go off once an hour), “what do I need in this moment?” And then you must GIVE yourself that thing. If it’s not possible in that moment, promise yourself you’ll do it later, maybe once the kids are in bed. And resist the urge to binge-watch Netflix and and instead do the thing that feeds your soul and fills your cup.
Maybe self-care will involve drinking a glass of water.
Maybe it’ll involve stepping outside to listen to the birds.
Maybe it will involve taking 10 minutes to meditate.
And maybe it’ll involve making Sunday mornings your time to practice flower arranging.
That’s what I’ve been doing. Playing with flowers. Because it fills me up. Because it’s a connection to nature. Because it reminds me how good and pure life can be in the tiny moments when we let the goodness in. And how wonderful it can feel when there is abundance. When you are caring for yourself abundantly, parenting can be wonderful. Your children will amuse and delight you. Their questionable behaviours will roll off your back more easily. You won’t take their big feelings personally. You’ll be able to stay more regulated and offer more emotional generosity.
And that will feel good for everyone.
Before my flower workshop I had been arranging from a place of scarcity. It’s why it just wasn’t quite working. But after I experienced the possibility that came from abundance, I’ve never looked back. To be clear, I don’t have anymore flowers than I did before. My garden is just as small, my flower options just as limited. But my mindset has expanded. I see things more clearly, I see the possibilities. And I find abundance everywhere - in the greenery that grows naturally in my yard, in the tree blossoms that are every bit as pretty as cultivated roses, in the wild flowers that I’d previously overlooked as too common. And I’ve discovered (gleefully) that even a smallish vessel can hold a large, full, overflowing arrangement.
Parenting from a place of scarcity will never feel good. We cannot be our most wonderful best selves when our cups aren’t full. And ain’t nobody going to fill those cups for us! So I would encourage you this fall (when there is an abundance of falling leaves and good food to harvest), to try to fill yourself up, whenever and wherever you can. Even if it’s only for two minutes, even if it’s while you’re getting a quiet moment on the toilet alone (yes, we’ve all been there). Use whatever time there is to practice self-care and self-compassion - to fill yourself up so that the beautiful overflow can be given to your children, your partner, your friends, your co-workers. They don’t get what’s in the cup - that’s for you alone!
If you can create that abundance within yourself, I have no doubt you will be able to parent with more ease. You’ll be more creative in solving your parenting challenges. You will be more regulated and more emotionally generous. And when you make mistakes you’ll be more likely to forgive yourself and move on.
Let’s face it - the things that we often long for that we think would make our parenting easier and better (more time, more money, an easier child, a more loving or supportive partner) we have absolutely no control over. The only thing we can control is ourselves.
So take care of your-SELF. And I promise that your parenting will bloom, in rich, colourful abundance.
